Need A Good Laugh? Read On!!!!!!

I got these from the Puslinch Pioneer, March 2007 Issue. They had my sister and I randomly laughing until my mom called from another room, asking us what was so funny. Enjoy . . . don’t laugh too loud!

Car-Jacking

This is a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida.

And elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drawing a handgun, proceeded to scream at the top of her voice, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of my car!”

The four men didn’t wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why! For the same reason she did not understand why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12 packs in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.

MORAL OF THE STORY? If you’re going to have a Senior Moment, make it a memorable one.

$50 is $50

Morris and his wife Esther went to the State Fair every year. Every year, Morris would say, “Esther, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.” Esther always replied, “I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is $50 and $50 is $50.”

A few years later, Esther and Morris went to the Fair. Morris said, “Esther, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter now, I might never get another chance.” Esther replied, “Morris, that helicopter ride is $50 and $50 is $50.”

The pilot overheard the couple. He said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won’t charge you! But if you say one word, it’s $50.”

Morris and Esther agreed – and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, “By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!”

Morris replied, “Well, I was going to say something when Esther fell out, but $50 is $50!”

The next two were candidates of the Darwin Awards.

from California . . .

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who “totally zoned out when he ran”, accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

This one is kinda grose, but it’s funny, so . . .

Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. “The sheer force of the elephant’s unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him” said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. “With no one there to help him, he lay under all the dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents!”